The Leaves Will Fall

September 6th, 2005 1:19am

Just felt the desire to pop on here and sort of reflect on the past few months and what has been going on.

As of late, things haven't really all changed that much for yours truely. I am still working at the rehab as that position holds it's own drama for which I will go into greater detail at another time. I'm starting to look for other employment as my current occupation holds no security for me what so ever, not to mention me being totally unappreciated with all my efforts.

Since February 9th 2005, I've gotten my license restored and a car back on the road. You could not imagine how nice it feels to regain some more of the freedoms that I was deprived of because of my past actions. Today I try my best to stay on the straight and narrow path to make sure that past events will not reoccur in the future. Any goal is attainable, granted, on the levels of desire and faith that one holds.

The house that I was managing in the past has since been sold. The new owners are compassionate down to earth people and are taking steps to turn the place into a home for all of us here. It's really amazing how a place can start to turn around for the better when some monies are spent to do some repairs and make things as they should have been for quite some time. I'm no longer running the house, just basically collecting rents for the landlord, as he cuts me a few bucks off the rent. Not a bad gig at all, although I would rather be back out there on my own, but that's not an option at the moment due to the financials. That will come in time as things level out a bit.

I've basically been; working, spending time at home, out at my local Starbucks or out with my buddy Jeff causing havok throughout Northern New Jersey. It's really funny that as one goes through things in life, they realize who their real friends are and what role they play in ones life. I just want to take this time to thank my friend Jeff for being just that, a true friend, actually the only real one I have in my life. He does not judge me based on my appearance, my musicical tastes, my lifestyle, my thoughts or actions. He has been there to pull me out of a few jams and is always there should I need something. The complete opposite, would be for example, certain family members, those who I've gone to school with, old band mates, those from my hometown and even those I've worked side by side with during my 11 years with the fire department. When I was going through my treatment at the rehab, even the period that followed, not a peep from anyone. I'm not being resentful or bitter, just pointing out that I would have thought that at least someone would have tried to contact me to see how I was doing and all. Like they say, Live and Learn, that statement holds so true for me these days and I try to use that knowledge to make my life a better one.

Seems that the only real problem area of my current life it the relationship realm. As I do seem to read into this one a bit more than I should, I cant but help wonder when I'm going to meet that one special person I can share the rest of my life with. Everyone tells me that it will happen, I know that eventually it will happen, it's just that addict in me wanting it to happen sooner. That's why I find it so important to keep myself busy and keep moving forward, I've since stopped stressing on the thought of putting so much of my energy into looking for someone and am just letting the cards fall as they do, one day at a time, knowing it'll happen when I least expect it.

With all this being said, time for some rest and back to the grind tomorrow. Thanks again to those who have stopped on by and taken the time to read and reply, I do appreciate it.

Apathetic Overload

After a sluggish start of the week, things are starting to pickup somewhat. The past two days of work were sort of trying, having that "I wish I wasn't here at work" feeling. I can't really recall the last time I had that thought flowing throughout me, maybe I need a little vacation or some time away. Now that I have the car on the road, a little road trip might me in order, just have to come up with a plan now and figure out what I want to do.

I'm sort of counting days at work because I don't know how much longer I'll have said job. The business might be closing due to lack of monies coming in and it would be a shame should the place close. We do a lot of good and help a lot of people beat the disease of addiction and alcoholism, it just gets to me, how four owners who for the most part are way beyond well off and don't want to put money into the business to keep it going. I guess it's just me and I suppose only time will tell. I'm going to start looking for others things though, Nothing worse than having all of ones eggs in a falling basket. I just seem to be going from one day to the next, one at a time, and not really looking that far ahead into the future, seems that having gone through treatment and recovery in the past, I tend to live for the moment and not read into things as deep as I should.

The other part of my life that seems to be lagging is the one that contains that special someone. I, for the most part, gave up on seeking out the one that my life is lacking. I thought that I would just put it on the shelf for a little while and should something happen, I'd let it happen, so that's where I'm at now with that, it just bothers me every now and then that I haven't found anyone remotely close to wanting a relationship. Seems that the guys who treat women like objects, play toys, possessions and one night stands are getting all the ladies. Can you explain that one to me ladies.??

Again, the ranting that is Shawn.

Pleasant Nothingness

I just love weekends, even more so when I have nothing to do. Well, I must rephraise that one, there are things I could be doing; like cleaning or laundry, but choose to take the day and just bumb around. I don't mind just wasting the day away here at my local Starbucks just writing, downloading, listening to music, just basically whatever.

It's a good thing every now and then to just get away and do some things that relax me and make me not think about some of the things that are going on in my life. It's always a pleasure to have some "me time" and leave the thoughts of work and whatnot at the office. Since getting a car on the road again, I find myself getting out a bit more and exploring a few new places and things to do. One of the biggest things I've been doing is trying to find new and different places to eat, granted I love to eat, it's cool to experience new foods and tastes. Actually trying to think of somewhere to go for dinner this evening, but as usual, something off the hip will come up and I'm sure I'll have a great time making the best of where I wind up. Oh well, off to do nothing.....

Time Well Spent

Just sitting here at 1:15am listening to the new Dream Theater Disk "Octavarium" and thought I would post a little something before throwing "Queen of The Damned" into my bedside DVD player and drift off into the land of nightmares. Not really being the big blogger myself, I came across this site through a friend of mine and thought it might me a neat idea to toy around with and hone my writting skills a little more.

Kind of an uneventful evening, as if that is something unusual, but it was nice to really have nothing to do this evening but hang around watching Season Two of Chapelle's Show. It was nice to just hang, listen to some tunes, watch a little DVD, then back to a little more music and guitar practicing before I get some rest for the evening. I'm so glad that today was my late day at work and I'll only be working till 5pm tomorrow then the weekend hits.

For those of you that don't know me, or anything about myself, I'm a recovering addict, and am currently working in a rehab where I try and do what I can to help those that suffer the same problems that have plagued me in the past. I don't really make a boatload of money at the moment, but I make enough to live okay and help those that seek said help. As long as my bills are paid and I have some money in my wallet, I'm usually a happy guy, It's so un-old-Shawn. It's all about change right..?? Well, something in my changed since getting clean and I must say that it was for the better because I can wake up today and not have to worry about doing the wrong things in life just to make it through the day, I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything on this Earth.

With that being said, I will post this small entry and try to get myself some rest so I'm not totally drained for my Friday. I'm sure that there will be more of these postings in the near future and I'll really look forward to writing some of them down, I'll try not to make them bland and flavourless.

Enjoy All.