Behind This Veil

Another October passes before my eyes, quicker than the one before it. The leaves wither, die and fall to the ground. Soon before long there will be a blanket of white for as far as these eyes will see, as will be the chill that reaches far beyond the bone. October, or fall for the fact of the matter used to be my favorite time of year and to some extent is still just that, but lately it's been getting more and more depressing to me. Maybe it's the passing of time here on earth alone without having that Special Someone to share this time with nor to have someone to talk to about the things that seem to cloud up my mind, as at times the thoughts are like cob webs, just collecting and covering more and more of the attic that is my mind. A place for all these thoughts to just gather and collect dust. 

It's sad when I think about not having the one person in my life that I can turn to anytime of the day or night, to talk about our days, our problems, even the good times. The one downside to being a goth as I tend to classify myself is that finding someone as unique as myself is just that much harder as the goth to normal human ratio is that much lower, so running into someone, let alone connecting on a mental and spiritual plane is quite the dilemma as you could only imagine. Some times I really wonder if I was meant to have someone in my life in that capacity. It's bad enough that I've got this emptiness buried within me, a lack of emotion aside from the pain of this emptiness, which I feel on a daily basis. I could have a million friends and yet still feel totally alone. 

It's times like this that I open up my blog and pour out whats left in this black little heart of mine, with the hopes that by me getting some of this out on paper, or the computer screen at least, that I might start to feel a little better about this whole situation as I'm not totally letting things bottle up inside me. I know there will be one day when I will find the person that I speak of, as I've had them in my life in the past, and made the mistakes of either screwing things up, or let them get away, but I now know that next time I will be a little less reluctant to release my grasp on them. 

I'll post this up now as I continue to think about some more thoughts and just how exactly I want to put them to paper. I really want to thank the few true friends I do have out there for being so patent with me, and for providing their ears and shoulders for me to lean on. Only if I had just a few more friends like this, but then again, don't we all? 

This all reminds me of something I read some time ago; 

"The origin of our desire to love lies in our profound need to value, to find things in the world which we can care about, can feel excited and inspired by.  It is our values that tie us to the world and that motivate us to go on living.

Most everyone is aware of the desire for emotional closeness, and intimacy with another human being.  Although there are, of course, great differences in the intensity with which different people experience this desire.

Let us consider our need for human companionship, our need for people we can respect, admire, and value, and interact with in a variety of ways and on various levels of our being.  Virtually everyone experiences the desire for companionship, friendship, and love as a given of human nature, requiring no explanation at all.

We obviously find it to our interest to deal with men and women whose values and character are, in important respects, like our own, rather than men or women of inimical values and character.  And, normally, we develop feelings of benevolence or affection toward people who share our values and act in ways that are beneficial to our existence."

This all seems much easier said than done at times, but it will not deter me on my search for the one that is meant to have my heart as it is only a matter of time before I do actually find her and set my heart and soul at ease. It's just the waiting part, as usual, that is the most painful part of this whole process.  

Now here is a little something back in 2003, funny how some of it, if not all still applies.  

"There’s emptiness deep in my heart

I don’t know where to start

Searching for the answers I require

To carry me on throughout this fire

That seems to burn this heart of mine

Once I find her I know that I’ll be fine.

Everything

Every kiss that we’ve shared

Every moment we’ve spent

Every memory we’ve lived

Every embrace we’ve lost

What happened to us

I’d give anything to go back in time

To hold you close and again make you mine

The smell of your hair and feel of your touch

Makes me remember that I love you so much

Can we make up for the lost time again?

I want to try so hard to fix this heart

I close me eyes and all I can see is your face

I can’t stand being here in such a lonely place

I need you here, here in these arms of mine

I can’t seem to get the thoughts of you away"

I guess that will do it for now, and for my little writing session this evening. I feel a little better having gotten some of these thoughts out of my head and down on my cyber-paper to share with those of you interested to read it. Maybe having done so, you can put yourself in my shoes and see just what goes on in my mind from time to time, and to show just how I can act at times, or more so, why I act and feel the way that I do at times. 

...and to the one that is still to be found, I will never stop looking for you as I know that you are out there in the shadows just waiting. I promise you that once I find you, I will never let you go and give you all that I have to offer. All I ask is that you don't head on into the light just yet, wait for me in the shadows as I will find you.

DJ DarkGift